Talking Trash

I’ve been busy, out of pocket this week. You see, I just got my welcome kit from Athens Services, our new trash collection service, and, well, turns out  garbage is far more complicated than I ever knew. Our end of the disposal bargain requires precision, diagrams, and  [cough] math.

So I’ve been burning the midnight oil, pouring over the Athens New Service Guide, the Valued Customer letter, and my Customer Bill of Rights.  (I do this so you don’t have to.) They tuck some strict warnings in amongst the softer, gentler instructions. Bottom line, if they don’t like how we throw away what we throw away, then we can just do a little dumpster diving and take our tape-measure with us.  

Like any three-panel, two-sided brochure worth its salt, Athens buries the mathematical formulas and legal requirements somewhere in the middle. “All carpet, bushes, branches and lumber must be cut and tied in bundles no longer than three feet in length and weigh less than 50 lbs. The amount of waste should fill a space no greater than 4 by 6 feet.“  And individual bushes and branches  must be “…less than 3 inches in diameter.”

Maybe I personally could manage this, given the proper equipment, such as some sort of scale and I don’t know, a compass or sliderule or something.  I do 75 percent of the work myself anyway. But what about my weekly gardening help? They prune roses with a weed whacker. They are not what you’d call exacting. But then they’re not what you’d exactly call gardeners.

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this work. The best  I can come up with: Hire a 5-year old child. If any single bundle is taller or wider than said child, or if any piece is wider than the child’s left leg, we’ve got to start all over again.  And if the bundles exceed the weight and width of this child times two, then we’ll have to hold some trash for the following week.

I’ll start by putting two children in my shiny new trash barrels  so we all get the general idea.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind going toe-to-toe with a local utility, and challenge some of these rules.  But if you read the chapter titled “Excellent Customer Service,”  the Athens group claims some facility with 175 different languages.  I speak two -- sort of, on my good days.  In other words (of which Athens apparently has many more than most of us) I won’t win any arguments, not on their watch. Push comes to shove, they’ll switch the argument to Dutch.

Of course, that’s not the end of the rules. Athens also requires that palm fronds, yucca leaves, and bamboo go in the refuse not the recycling bin. But here’s my question: as the trash collectors will apparently be inspecting my green can for appropriate content, will they also know the difference between yucca and agave?  Because that distinction even fools amateur horticulturalists. And I’ve got agave, not yucca. However, what if I discard agave in the green bin, and this throws Athens into a state of horticultural confusion. Then, what? I get on the phone to explain it’s agave, and they tell me, in 175 different languages, “Non, c’est yucca!”

Perhaps I should kick off this new relationship by getting on their good side. In the brochure it says, in bold print, “DO NOT USE CARTS UNTIL SEPTEMBER 1.” I’m going to phone Athens and rat out some neighbors.  This weekend, I saw several in and around the new trash bins, engaged in suspicious, if not illegal, activities.

Read more about the new Athens contract, which starts on September 1